At our Christmas candle light service they talked about the light of God. They talked about the darker the hole the brighter the light. Over the whole month of Dec God has got me fooled by his timing of things and ever Sunday I felt like God was saying I’m talking to you. I keep praying and asking him for guidance and to show me the way to go and I feel like he is pushing me and telling me 2 different things. Then at the candle light service it really hit me hard because I always feel like I’m in this deep dark hole with no one around knowing and understands what it’s like and how it feels and the disappointment to others and not to mention that I feel like a horrible person by not liking others who are pregnant and avoiding people with little ones. But that night it all made sense that even through this hard time that God is showing me the bright light and that when the day comes to hold a baby in my arms for the very first time that it will be even more special than ever. I know that God has his own timing and his own time line of when things will happen but it’s hard to see and it’s hard to wait when it’s something you want so dearly. It’s been a long two years of hard waiting and even tho the doctors say not to give up and just keep trying its hard. It’s been 2 years and nothing what’s going to make something happen this year. I know that I need to trust God and to keep looking to him for the strength to keeping going but the simple story is that I’m just tired of waiting.
As to the new pain that I wrote about, I called my doctors nurse last week and she told me the doctor won’t be back until the middle of this coming week. The pain has gone bad…it’s almost as bad as it was 2 months ago right before I had surgery. I had to stay home Thursday and only worked a short day on Friday. I’m really afraid that it’s another cyst and its only been 2 months since the last surgery…I’m afraid its going fast. I’m hoping that they can get me in for an ultrasound by the end of this week to check it out. I fear that if it is another cyst that it’s just going to be best to take everything out because I can’t be having surgery every 2 months and I can’t live my daily life like this…
I told myself months ago that 2011 was going to be a great year medically…it’s been 3 bad years…3 strikes and you’re out right??? We I guess not….not a wonderful start to a new year…However it can only get better from here J
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