Last ONE !!!!!!

Today brings so much hope, peace, joy, happiness and dreams. Today is my last injection of Lupron. In ways I can't believe its only been six months and in other ways it feel like forever. I know in my heart that God has a plan for us and it will be better than I could ever imagine.
I have no idea of what the plan is from here all I know is God has a wonderful plan for my husband and I. There are some things currently lying in front of us we are just not sure what gods plan is. We are just waiting it out.  Over the last several months I have been asking God for a sign of what to do and every time I'm wondering if something is my sign and I pray and ask God if that is the sign the next day it goes away. I know no matter how long the wait God has something waiting for us.

Miscarriage Mask

By Lee Ann White

Every day when I go out 

On my face I put a mask 

To hide the pain I feel inside

When people stop and ask.

"How are you? Are you okay?"

Are questions I seem to hear.

I just answer, "I am fine."

But with it comes a tear.

"Oh, I'm sorry" is what they say,

"I didn't mean to make you sad."

Then I just say, "Oh, it's okay.

I really am fine. Don't feel bad."

Their meaning of "fine" is not the same 

As the meaning I use as mine

For the miscarriage mask hides the truth

The tear is with me all the time.

I think this poem is true to more than just miscarriages. I believe it goes with anyone who is infertile. We hide our true feelings between ourselves and God. Over the last weeks I have seen so many who have been blessed. Some who realize it is a blessing and others who don't. I have friends who are trying and soon to be trying. I have one dear friend who talks about trying after they get married this summer. I feel bad for her as I am afraid she going to have to endure the same path as I have (there is some blood relation). She is so very afraid that she is going to end up pregnant and I'm going to be heart broken. I tell her not to worry and that I will be happy for her. I tell her God has a plan for me and it will be ok (she is not a follower of God).  However for some reason every time I get off the phone I shed tears of hurt, pain and happiness for her. As I remember those days of high hope and happiness running through my head. I remember when my husband and I were so happy to be starting that journey. Then quickly comes the memories of how quickly they came crashing down. I remember how after losing the first one that every time we found out we were pregnant again there would be every little happiness but tons of heartache of pain and fear of it happening again. 

To be very honest I happy the 6 months of injections are done however it bring a lot of fear. For my body has never once not let me down. I think at times the fear is so great that I don't want to become pregnant out of fear of yet another baby going to heave. I love that our precious little ones are in heave and their in a very happy spot and I'm sure they are so very happy to be home. But it hurts down here. I need to trust God and I do. I know he has a plan for me but I can't let go of the fear. I thought when I was done with the injections I would be signing and be so excited to start trying again but I'm not. I think I have given up on it every happening and if it does I'm fearful of a miscarriage. I don't even want to try anymore. I just want there to not be an empty whole in my heart anymore.