Accepting God

This past week in church they talked about accepting God into our life. I grew up going to church and then we stopped going for quit some time. After I meet my husband I started to go to church with him. I liked going to church but I just didn't really feel like giving God my whole heart. After having a miscarriage I was really doubting Gods plans. It wasn't until after the second miscarriage that I started believing that God does have a plan for me and how can I not love the man with all my heart and my soul if he is the one caring for my sweet babies. It was then that I decided that I was going to listen to him and study his word but I hadden't truly let him in to my heart. It wasn't until the first mothers day at our current church when I changed my mind and decided to dedicate my life to him.
On mother's day our church ask the mothers to stand up. I had every dream that the first mother's day after being married that I would be expecting. That first mothers day hit so hard. When all the mother's around me started standing up I felt so lost and confused. I so badly wanted to be able to stand up proudly as a mother. I kept telling myself I'm not a mother so I don't get to stand up. I prayed that day that I next year I would get to stand up because I would have a baby on the way or in my arms. If I stood up people won't understand why because they didn't know I had two babies in heaven. Am I really a mom if I only have babies in heaven. I couldn't take it anymore that day as I hear everyone saying happy mother's day to everyone. I just wanted to run and hide because I so badly wanted to be a mother. It wasn't until I sat at home crying for hours after church that I let God into my heart. To this day I only wish I would of done it sooner. I am deeply dreading leaving our church because it's Home to me. If it weren't for them I can't say that I would of ever let God into my heart, life and soul. Every year on Mother's Day its so hard on my heart. I always thought and dreamed that I would be able to stand up in our church on Mother's Day and now that dream is gone and will never happen. Its hard to let go of that dream. I know there will be a new church but it won't be the same. I don't know that another church will have as big as impact on my life as this one did.