New Pain

Over the last week I have started having pain on the right side and it is just like the pain that started on the left side. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that it is not another cyst. I'm hoping the doctor will call me back tomorrow and send me in for an ultrasound to check to make sure there is not another cyst starting to grow. The pain is not anything like the last one but if we can get it early I can take meds to try to make it go away before it gets bad.

I have to call and schedule an RE phone appointment yet but I'm waiting to see what is going on with this first. I'll keep you updated if I find anything out.

I've been super busy working on the basement trying to get it finished before I start some classes in Jan for 3 weeks because I'll have no free time. We are about half way done. We have to seal the floor and paint one more wall and then lay carpet and move things out so we can finish the 3rd room in the basement and then prime the wall in the one room upstairs which is a long awaited room for a little one and hopefully some day soon we will be able to paint it a color and fill the room with a special little one.

The Soon to be Photography Room

 The stairs to the basement

 The soon to be family room



Life

Sorry for not updating lately....My RE labs went ok besides now I'm having issues with cholesterol so now I'm going to meet with my nutritionist at the beginning of Jan. I also talked with my nurse from the RE and she said that I could call and do a phone appointment to talk about information and decided if we can start the pill treatments without going out there first. Christmas is also a very hard time of the year for me so I've kinda been a Xmas pooper this year and just trying to hide in my cave so that I don't have to deal with the heart ache of seeing people who are excepting or have little ones. This year has been a lot easier but Christmas is nothing like it use to be. I'll update after I find out some more info.

Hormone Therapy

So another problem has came along. The hormone therapy I started a few weeks ago isn't working. It worked for about a week and then stopped. My body is fighting it like crazy. I went and did my labs for the RE this morning and that's when the whole day went down hill. I wasn't going to go into work because it was that bad but me being the person I am I went to work. I had to come home a couple of times to change outfits but I got all but 1 person seen today not bad for getting there so late because of all my issues with my labs this morning.
When I first got to the office I had to turn around and come home to change. Then I head back when I got there they needed the ICD-9 code for the labs so we had to wait over an hour for the nurse to call back with the code. Then they took be back to do the labs. First 2 pokes they couldn't get anything so they put hot packs on and made me wait. Third time no luck again this time a different person. Then I felt like I was going to pass out. With not being able to eat and it being close to 10am I knew it was my blood sugar. They sent me out to sit for awhile and then tired again 4th time the charm. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the labs come back with a good to go but I'm not getting my hopes up. Its been a bad couple of months.
I talked with my OB about the meds not working and he wants me to finish it out since my iron level looked ok on the last draw. Needless to say I'm not happy with that. This isn't normal and why wait and let it go so I do have to get transfusions again. The only reason it was good was because I didn't have anything for months. He's pushing my luck and I know its already being pushed but I guess its in Gods hands and I just have to remember that. So we will see if it stops in the next week and a half and if it doesn't I have to go back in then.

Vision is back YAYAH

My vision is back to normal thanks to the wonderful doctors. Last time it took from Jan to Sept and this time less then 2 weeks. We found the answer....after the big scare of a possibility of having CA. It is something so simple and is fixed by my new best friend called a bottle of eye drops. When I was getting ready to leave the doctor on Wednesday with no answer in hand (I believe it was God's timing) my eyes starting blurring everything out. It has been just like when you take a car in to get it fixed that it doesn't do it for the mechanic. Well for the past year it has never done it well I was at the office but thanks to God it happened. They quickly went back to the room and come to find out that one of the top layers of my eye (not visible to the naked eye) was shivering up which was why my vision would go fast and could come back so fast. They figured it out that my eye is having a reaction to chemicals in the air and which is why after I go to some places they tend to bother me more. The doctor said its is more likely to be a problem in the winter since the air is dry it is more like to pick up the chemicals. For the first few days I have to put drops in a min of 6x a day to wash the chemicals out. Its nasty what comes out sometime. When they put the drops in at the doctors office there was a gray/white stuff that came out..its icky but now there is nothing come out. I can tell if I forget the drops because my eyes start to get pain full but I can live with this answer and I'll just have to move to a state with nice moist weather and it will be all better.

CAT Scan Update

So the CAT scan came back normal...Yeah for normal but that now means more test. I find out at my appointment tomorrow what the next steps are. Odd that I have a normal eye and a normal brain and no known reason as to why I'm losing my vision. I am so happy that I'm tumor/mass/cancer free but the feeling of the unknown is worse then knowing. Its bad enough having infertility issue and not knowing weather or not we can have our own children but having other unknown medical issues on top of it too. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the test I do tomorrow will give them more of an answer and hopefully it will be an easy fix. Depending on what I find out tomorrow I think I'm going to do my labs later this week or Monday of next week. I'm excited because I want to know but at the same time with all my bad luck..I don't want to have to keep working on other stuff. I always think in this year and a half we have been on no orders longer then we have been on orders. I know that it is all in Gods timing and its hard to believe and see with all of the issues I have had over the last 3 years but I remind myself of the miracle that good is painting for me...One day I'm going to look out the window and see the most wonderful and pretty sunrise that I have ever seen and I will know that god is working on my miracle and every morning I look at the sky and can see all of the other wonderful miracle he is working on. Its very hard.... don't get my wrong especially some days at work because it seems like everyone that works in the nursing homes is either talking about their babies or has them there or are pregnant...and I want that so badly.

A special thanks to all the other blogger's out there who are willing to share their stories and help people like me understand that the things we think and feel is not just us and that it is ok to feel like that. It is also so wonderful and I know that God has timing in it but it always seems like the really hard days, the days I just want to crawl in a tunnel and never come out I can just flip through my list of inspirational blogs and find someone that has written something to help me remember what God is doing and to keep hanging in there and just trust in him. I am so thankful to all of you out there...I can't say thanks enough...Its something that some people will never be able to experience and we have to remember that God has chosen us for a very special reason and we get to experience something that others can't...they can't feel the love of others around the world that don't even know. Its an amazing feeling.

Vision Update and Post Sugery Update

Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I've been having problems with my vision again. On Friday last week I realized that I was losing my peripheral vision again. The first time I lost my vision was in Jan. 3 days after my birthday. At that time they had no reason for my vision lose but it slowly came back and finally in Sept they let me get new glasses to see if it would help with the vision going in and out. It worked for 2 wonderful months. It keeps going in and out and is better at times. Which is why the eye doctor thinks that there is something restricting the blood flow to the eyes and when there is a lack of blood flow my vision fades out. I have had 2 doctors look at my eye and there is nothing physically wrong with my eyes besides having to wear glasses to correct my vision. Which has lead 2 doctors to believe that there is something happening with the brain. It could be the lack of blood flow or the brain is not correctly in taking what the eye is seeing. See the eye sees the images but the brain is the one that interprets the images so if the eye is seeing everything ok then there is something wrong in the brain. I was such a strong hearted person when I let the eye doctor not crying considering all of what they told me and I though I could do it. I had to go back to work and see some more pts. When I walked in the door an asked one of the tech to get me somebody one of the PTs asked me if I was ok because I didn't realize until then that I was so scared inside that I was noticeable shaking really bad. I told her no but that I would be ok. I started to tear up but I walked back over to my room and held my tears back and told myself that I was going to be ok. Then about 15 minutes later another person asked it I was ok..I said I'm going to be fine. Then I had to head to tell my boss that I wouldn't be able to cover both building because I was going to be out Friday morning because I was going to be having a CAT scan. Then she asked why and all of a sudden I couldn't hold it in any longer the tears came pouring out. I then walked out of her office and finished my day trying so hard to hold it all in but it was so hard because my vision was getting worse and I could hardly see the floor to see where I was walking. Don't ask how I made it from the eye doctor to work because I have do clue but I made it safe.

I had to have Jacob come and get me from work when I was done for the day because I couldn't see anything at all. My vision has been off and on since. I had my CAT scan on Friday and have not heard anything back yet but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that if there was a mass or tumor that they are cancer free.

On Wednesday I had my 4 week post surgery appointment. However besides my vision problems I have also been having issue with bleeding for the last 2 weeks. So at my appointment he said that everything post surgery wise was looking good and that he didn't think that he needed me to do an ultrasound every couple of months to check on cyst. He told me I know what the pain is and that if it comes back just to let them know and they will check it out. But if we cont with fertility treatments we will be having a lot of them anyways. As for the bleeding issue he said no more BCP because they have failed to work over the last couple of years. We are heading back to hormone therapy so hopefully it will start working soon to get this to stop. We did laps just to make sure my iron is staying up and were doing ok so far but we are getting to the pushing the limits. So hormone therapy here we go......

I'm going to be doing my RE labs soon....So I'll let you know if they come back good because then we will be ok to start treatments again. However me and Jacob have so classes were going to in Jan. all month long so we won't be able to start treatment until Feb but at least we will know how close were getting to be able to at least start.

I'm so confused

I have been pray very hard over the last couple of weeks about 2 very important thing to me and I'm so lost. I feel like God is telling me to go both ways and then the next day I feel like he is telling me to go another way. I just wish he could paint a clear picture but I know I just need to listen harder. I would like to ask people to pray that he shows us which way to go.

So I'm going to start something new.......I decided I needed to find something to give me hope......So here we go

There are many stories of women in the Bible who struggle with infertility and the pain of not having children. The Bible not only shares the stories of these "barren women" but also offers hope and comfort during these times. God indeed is the creator of life and the God of comfort and peace. But more important than finding out about the stories of these women is the possibility of finding our own hope in this journey.  I hope this can be encouraging in whatever stage of your journey you are at since we are not all at the same part of our journeys.

The Wife of Abraham
Summary: Sarah is married to Abraham. Athough married for many year she is unable to conceive. Ironically she is married to Abraham who has been promised descendants that will number like the stars in the sky and the sand on a beach. A great promise and yet for Abraham and Sarah, the fulfilment seems beyond all reach. It is at this point that the Lord comes to Abraham once more.

"Then the LORD said, I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son. Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. (11)Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. (12) So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure? (13) Then the LORD said to Abraham, Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' (14) Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son. And the result??? Not long after this Sarah and Abraham's son Isaac is born, one of the great patriarchs of the Jewish people.

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

So what does the story of Sarah teach us?

God is faithful to his promises. What he promised to Abraham and Sarah he was faithful in fulfilling. God does not make this exact same promise to each of us but we do learn something else from Sarah's story: God is the giver of life and he can bring about miracles. We do not know what God may be doing in our lives - even when it seems like he is not doing anything at all. God can surprise us!

Blogs

I have been reading a lot of other blog for inspiration and for support. I have learn so much from others and it makes you feel like your not alone. You also learn from others who have or are going through the same thing. One thing I have noticed tho is that not many people talk about the money part of it. I don't know if its because they don't have a problem in that area or if they prefer not to talk about it. It is a huge part of infertility because treatments are not cheap and there are a lot of medical bills that come along with it. Most RE clinics require you to pay up front. Most of them work with you and help you get loans but it still get spendy fast. I know that when we start treatments hopefully come Jan. that money is going to be a factor in the treatments. Its just something that I've really been thinking about and really have no idea about what to do. I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes and just keep my fingers crossed that we can start treatments in Jan. again.

Today is also Orphan Sunday so please pray that all the children out there can find wonderful homes.

Educating people about infertility sensitivity?

I've been reading other blogs and I've been wondering about a kind way of educating people about infertility sensitivity. Anyone got any good ideas?

Its not just people on the street that you meet, family, friend or co-workers but it doctors and nurses too. When I go to the doctors office and there is a fill-in nurse or a new nurse I try to prepare myself for the question. When they start going over the meds and see that you are taking a prenatal vitamin they always ask are you pregnant and I always have to say no. But I want to say you know how much I would like to hit you up side the head. I would love to be pregnant. I've been trying for almost a year and a half and I spend every bit of my money trying. I wish people out there would just not jump to conclusion or take into consideration that not everyone can get pregnant like nothing.

They are other people who ask all the time.  People say its ur turn to have a baby or when are you going to have a baby or wheres my grandchild. I wish people would just understand how hard it is everyday as it is now without those questions.

I have learned a lot through this journey so far and have grown much closer to god but sometimes I don't understand things he does either. Since this journey I have found this wonderful church to go to with wonderful people. I have had a lot of support grow from this but I sometimes don't understand why god led me to working with the little ones. Shortly after we started going to church there I got asked several times if I could help out in the nursery which I was willing to do a time or 2 but it has become an every Sunday thing. When I said yes I new there had to be a reason why god would send them to ask me out of all these people in the church. So I said yes for that reason because I knew that god had a reason for it but it is so hard see all these other peoples children some who are not cared for like they should be. I wounder why god would make me go through this every Sunday but I know he has a bigger picture out there and theres a reasoning but I just can't seem to find it.
A couple of months ago I got talked into being a leader in the Awana group on Thursday nights. I just kept telling myself when they asked that god has a reason, he sent them to ask me for a reason but every Thursday I go and for some reason I just don't understand. I know I do a good job with kids but it is so hard to watch some of these kids who just don't have good homes. Granted some of the kids have wonderful parents and wonderful homes.
Its just so hard for people who go through infertility to be around these things and hear these things. I know I got off topic...it is so me to do that...but how do you nicely tell all these different kinds of people that I would really appreciated if you would not ask me that anymore.

Doctor Visit from Wednesday

We went to the doctor on Wednesday. He said that things were looking good from the outside but they won’t look at the inside until my appointment. He went over what he did during the surgery and we got to see pictures. The left ovary was 10cm around which is the size of a normal uterus. He cut it opened and removed the endometrium. He is hoping that once it heals that it will be a functional ovary. When we went I was in my work clothes and half way through the appointment he looked at me and said you haven’t started working yet have you. (He knows what I do and he know the type of person I am) I wanted to say no, which would have been a lie. I told him yes but I was sitting in a chair for a couple hours a day while the techs bought me pts and set them up. He said that was ok and just be careful not to overdo it. I think he know me to well. After my appointment I went back to work for a meeting and then off to home.

Recovery is not going as fast as I hoped. After I can home for work I sat up for awhile. Which I should have not done since it had already been a long day. When it got close to supper time I started hurting pretty bad. I sent my husband to the store to get me some different meds to see if that would help. It didn’t get any better and just kept getting worse. I was up almost all night long because of the pain. So I decided I better stay home for once and listen to the doctor and my body. I think my body was telling me to lay off and not do so much. I wasn’t able to eat or drink anything last night without getting sick. I was finally able to fall asleep about midnight and actually slept all night. I was still hurting pretty bad this morning and decided I better take it easy again today. So I stayed home again. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to work every day next week since I have no PTO time left.

My next appointment is 3 weeks out, so I will update after that.

I am hoping by my next appointment I will be doing good and able to eat good so he will release me to start my normal stuff back up. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to start exercising again because I miss it and that way I can get back to my losing weight goal so we can start treatments again hopefully by the beginning of January.

Surgery Day

So just a quit update....I'll update more after my follow up on Wednesday. We got there shortly before 11 am on Tuesday Oct 26th. They did all of there prep stuff and were done by 11:20. They said that they would be back in an hour to get me ready. Well 12:20 went by and still haven't heard anything beside the people standing outside my door talking about food...I wanted to jump out of my bed and hit them upside my bed but then I told myself there not  thinking about the fact that I haven't been able to eat in 18 hours and my head hurt because I'm so hungry.
Next thing I know its after 1 and I'm still seating in the first room. Awhile later they came and to me down to the prep room and asked me all the questions. They told me I would fall asleep soon...Next thing I remember was being taken over into the other room and the guy saying he needed to go get other meds because theses aren't working and then he was smothering me with the mask trying to get me to fall asleep. My surgery was suppose to be an hour long but I was in there for 2 1/2 hours before I hit the recovery room. They couldn't get my pain down and the vomiting. They pumped my IVs with everything they could and if she gave me one more they would have to do a reversal.

They took me back to my room to try oral meds but they didn't give them to me for sometime. I wanted to get up and pee so I waited a little bit for them to come and take me. They told me I could only be up for 15 mins. She didn't want to leave me there but I told her I would be ok. They came back and got me...it did not feel like 15 min and she told me I need to get up or im going to get sick...I told her I still had to pee...Next thing I know I'm vomiting. She told me that I couldn't go home now and that they would have to wait to give me the pain meds. I told her I know how the pts feel now when they say they have to pee and they can't go. I've never have had a problem with that afterwards. OPPS I forgot the most important thing. I also was coughing like crazy because they started to pull the breathing tube out and my O2 stats started dropping fast so they put it right back in. In the room I had to be on 3ls of oxygen.

Anyways we got to leave a 830pm to come home with really high levels of  pain.

I only know what my husband remembers the doctor telling him. My husband said that my left ovary was behind my uterus and the tube was twisted. They were able to do it laparoscopic and were able to keep everything. The doctor said I would be in a lot of pain for awhile because the ovary would have to shrink back to the right size. I'll update after my appointment on Wednesday

My recovery has been slow because of the sickness and coughing. My muscles are so tight I can't lay flat or stand up straight. I'm done with the pain meds for now. We'll see how this weekend goes. I'm suppose to go back to work on Monday.

Thanks to everyone from my church small group and some co-workers for all the food and flowers.
Hopefully something else can become my friend soon besides my ice-cream and soda.....

3 days until Surgery Day

I really can't wait to get rid of the pain and be able to live life again. I haven't done much of anything lately. But I'm sad and scared at the same time because I'm scared to face the facts that they might have to take everything :(   I know god has a plan for me but its so hard to face the facts that as of Wednesday the fertility treatments could be no more...no more chances....no more praying and keeping my fingers crossed every month...gone just like that in my sleep and not knowing until I'm back with it....So I'm praying and hoping that they can leave at least one ovary and the uterus

Ultrasound Results

Well not good but not surprising. There is a large cyst on the left ovary and then the enlarged left ovary on top of that. They might have to cut me open all of the way due to the size of the cyst. Which means I could have to be off of work for up to 6 weeks. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they don't have to cut me open all of the way. I'll update next week after my surgery.....Thank you everyone who has been praying for me...it means a lot to me...Thanks :)

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day

Today we remember all the babies born sleeping or whom we carried but never met, those we held but did not come home & those that came home & didn't stay. Make this your status if you or someone you know has lost a baby. Most won't do it because baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence in memory of all lost angels. ♥

We love you and miss you our little girl ♥
and praying for anyone else that has gone through the same thing

Ultrasound

I had my ultrasound done yesterday afternoon and it wasn't good. The ultrasound went on for 45 minutes because of all of the measurements that they had to take. The ultrasound tech asked me how big it was last time and I told her 4-6cm and see said that it was a lot bigger. I know they can't tell us much but when she kept saying I can see why your in so much pain  as you lay there wondering what she was seeing. The doctor hasn't called me back with the results let. I was really hoping they would call me today so I'm not sitting her all weekend wondering. I will update when I know more or after my surgery on the 26th

Surgery

Update from my appointment. We talked about my pain and they did an exam there today and things totally weren't feeling normal. They kept asking me if I could be pregnant and they did a test after the exam to to make sure. The doctor said that he would like to have an ultrasound done to see if there are any changes they can see from the ultra sound. There are 3 spots of pressure on the inside and their not sure what is cause them beside the left ovary is filled with endometrium. Depending if they find out anymore info on the ultrasound they could possible have to take out an ovary. The surgery is schedule for the 26th at 1pm. I'll have to be off of work until at least that Friday but if they have to cut me open more then I could have to be off for up to 2 weeks min. I got my wish that they meds didn't work but I'm hoping that its not really bad and that they don't have to take everything. I'll update when I find out more info from the ultrasound on Thursday.

Pain

Last night my pain start up again and is pretty bad. I didn't have time to call the nurse from MRS back on Friday so I'm going to call them back tomorrow and let them know that the meds aren't helping and it cont to get worse....Yesterday afternoon I was all excited because I thought I could start exercising but then I decided not to because I didn't want to push my luck....I'm sure glad I didn't. I'll update on Monday with what they decided.

A long Awaited Goodbye to 20s, Hello and Goodbye 18s and A long awaited HELLO to 16s

A quick update from my Phone appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Thyre and update on the title.

On Wednesday I talked to Dr. Thyre on the phone about my pain level and how bad it is getting and on long it is lasting. She said that she wants to try 2 new meds first and see if they work to get ride of and to keep the pain away. If they don't then their going to do surgery to look inside and see what is going on. I started the 2 new meds and the pain still seem to be there but I know it wont work that fast. Dr. Thyre told me that she would have a nurse call me once a week to check and see how the meds are working. They are so wonderful at SRM. They know my goals and they are doing everything they can to help me get there. Most doctors blow off the pain and just say that I'm going to have to live with it if I wants children but they don't understand how much it affects my life. For the last 2 weeks I have been getting only a total of 3 hours of sleep a night and the pain wipes me out so bad that I get ready and go to work and by noon I'm doing everything to keep going. I also haven't been able to exercise and I'm not eating much until the last 2 days. They understand there what my goal is and they want me to get there and they want me to see my get to that 35 BMI because they know that's whats best to make it happen and best for a baby. I love that they are trying to help me. I kinda don't want the meds to work in a way because I want to know whatz causing all of the pain instead of masking the symptoms.

But I do want the meds to start working because I really miss exercising....I never though I would say that...but I love it...I want my AB Coaster tho because I need to firm up my stomach...I love that its getting smaller but I really need to firm it up....So that leads to my title....Last week I put all of my 20s into a basket and some 18s in but I just couldn't get into the 16s. Now this weekend goodbye to all but one pair of 18s (I love them to much) and hello to almost all of my 16s. A friend gave me some 16s that she had and they all fit but one and all of the ones I have fit......Now I'm just waiting to say hello to all of my 14s which I haven't wore since I got really sick in college and lost 40 pounds in a month....I haven't seen them since then.....

Another 2 pounds

So yesterday I had one of my pink shirts on and I realized that it seemed really lose so I stepped on the scale and since I'm suppose to be proud of every pound I lose...Then I guess I should be happy that I'm down another 2lbs. My BMI needed to be under 40 to increase my chance and I'm there...I've been under 40 for a week now without going back over it. I really wish I could be down where I need to be....I have to admit I actually miss wearing my rings....but I refuse to resize them before I plateau in weight where I'm suppose to be. I also had to go through my closet and get ride of the clothes that don't fit anymore.....Even the ones I kept that still fit are driving me crazy because I constantly have to pull them up...rrrr...the one thing I hate about losing weight is being between sizes.....2 pounds this week isn't bad considering I haven't been able to exercise and eat right because of my pain...I keep praying that it will go away and that god will give me the strenght to keep going through this for the chance of a baby......

Sorry to you out there reading this who are pregnant or have a little one but I don't mean anything against you its just feelings I have some times...Sometimes especially when my pain is really bad.....It is so hard to look at them or to see a little baby is someones arms...Its not because I don't think they shouldn't have one or that there bad people...Its just so hard to understand why some of us have to go through so much to have a little one and for some people its as easy as 1,2,3. Its hard some days because almost everyone I know has a little one or is expecting a little one and sometimes they don't understand why its hard to be around them.

Pain

So yesterday my pain was pretty good compared to how it has been but I was so tired and now because I over did it yesterday..I'm paying for it today and I'm suppose to be going to Spokane for a conference tomorrow. I love helping out with things but I hate doing it because I never know when its going to come and when its going to go. It just makes life hard because I miss being able to exercise every night and going for a walk at work. I just really wish the pain would go away and sometimes I just wanna give up and say its not worth it. There are days that I'm just ready to go sign up for adoption but when my pain is not bad I always tell myself that I can still do it. Its not just like labor where it happens once and then its done and you have a baby in your arms and forget about it. Its hard because your working so hard to have a kid but you know that every month and every day that you have to just deal with the pain if you want a chance of having a child of your own. I would give up anything to have a baby and have already given up a lot but you don't know whats at the end. I try to tell myself that no matter what its worth it but I really have to think if my body can take must more. One week of pain sets me back 2 weeks. It would be so much easier if I know for sure that there would be a baby at the end of the deal but there is so much that goes with that. Missing lots of work and the cost of the meds are very expensive.  I try to just keep praying to God that he will show me which way to go...but I feel lost....I'm sure he's telling me but I'm just not listening. I keep wondering if all these medical issues coming up are his way of telling me to stop. There days like today where I'm just ready to say take it all out know, but when its over I keep telling myself I can do it.

Update from the past couple of weeks

Sorry I haven’t been updating lately but things have been crazy. So here's an update from the last couple of weeks. I’m down 13 pounds now and 4.5in but its not easy. I have been doing pretty good with getting the 60 minutes of exercise everyday until the past week and a half.  The food thing is getting easier but I still struggle with it. My pain has increasing getting worse and today it went from little pain to a lot of pain. The pain is to the point that every step I take hurts but I’m still working through it. I don’t know that I’ll be able to make it tomorrow if it gets worse.  I’ve been email the nurse from SRM about the pain level and if they still wanted to do surgery or anything else. I have a phone appointment with her on the 6^th to talk about options. 

I had a phone appointment with the nutritionist yesterday day and more information…So here’s some help out there for people dealing with the same thing……

Since I have pain that affects my exercise she gave me some ideas…(me being an occupational therapy assistant I should know how to adapt exercises but its so much easier when its not you.)

To try water exercise and to not to exercises that make the pain worse.

Do exercises on the coach use theraband or weight and just do arm exercises.

She also told me that PCOS is one of the hardiest disease to lose weight with…She said you should be proud of every pound you lose.

She told me again that I'm still not eating enough. She told me that on my bad days that I need to eat a min of 1200 cal and on more active days eat 1500 cal. There are days when I'm close to 1200 and then there days that I am down to 800 cal. I’m also not eating enough carbs. I need to stick to the 15-30 for a snack and 30-45 for a meal.

I have to admit I am a huge potato, ice cream and pizza person, there just my weakness. She told me to try to eat less potatoes and maybe eat some sweetpotato’s instead. I have been eating the new quakier bars but she wants me to eat more protein bars. I also need to increase my fruit and veggie intake….I did learn this…a ½ banana is a serving. She also wants me to expand carbohydrate choices- Barilla plus pasta, quinoa, brown rice, whole what couscous etc and to try Healthy bars- Pure, Kind or Luna bars (that have protein). Of course her pizza recommendation…..She said the papa murphy's delights are wonderful but I told her my husband doesn’t eat them so I end up having 4 days of left overs.  She said to cut the pizza before you cook it and then freeze the rest so I’m going to have to try that out because I love the chicken and spinach delight from papa murphy's.

I also asked her for ideas on those days that you just don’t feel full. She told me this story about a very obese lady she worked with who did health at all. She got her to eat an apple before each meal…I was kinda confused because they have lots of carbs but it then made since. You can’t eat an apple fast and since it takes so long for the body to acknowledge that you are eating by the time your done eating your apple you body realizes that you are starting to get full. After the apple more to the veg of the meal and the protein and last the other carbs. By the time you get to the other carbs ur full…It totally works. She also informed me that if you don’t eat enough carbs that you will crave more carbs.

She also gave me another website to get ideas from…Last fact for today…..I can eat over the carb limit every once in a while and here's the tip….if a recipe says it has 54 carbs in a serving and has 14 grams of fiber you can do simple math…for every gram of fiber after the first 5 grams you can minus from the carb count….So I can still eat some of the food I want…YAYAYAY!!!!!!

http://www.aicr.org/site/News2?abbr=dc_rc_&page=NewsArticle&id=9505&news_iv_ctrl=1264

http://www.aicr.org/site/News2?abbr=dc_rc_&page=NewsArticle&id=9485&news_iv_ctrl=1263

that’s a couple of recipes but if you go back to the main site you can find more.

I'll try to update sooner...Until next time

Update from the past week

I went to my follow up from my recent lab results and I've decided to try to control it without meds due to the risk the meds would have on a baby. I'm putting trust in gods hands that I can get through this without the meds with his help. God has been my biggest help through this battle. I look to him for answers and guidence in what to do in every sistuation.
I also talked with my doctor from SRM. She wants me to come back in December to see her again and redo all my lab work and if things look good then we can start the fertility meds. I'm giving my life to God and when he's ready I'll be ready and waiting and if this is not his plan then I pray that he well show me the right way. I have lots to work on and lots of battles to fight but I have the faith that god with give me the faith to fight them.

Quick boost of Faith

Anyone who is reading this who needs a boost of a faith or has forgotten the power of prayer or needs to find God again needs to watch the movie called Letters to God. It will make you cry but is the best movie I have watched in a long time that shows the power of faith and the power of prayer.

Glucose Tolerance Test

So this morning I had my glucose tolerance test and it didn’t go so well. To start the first draw off they have to poke me 4 times to get the blood. Then I had to drink that nasty juice. At the next blood draw 30 minutes they had to poke me 4 times again to get the blood. They were getting the veins but they just weren’t working. When I was waiting for the 3rd blood draw there was a little girl in the lobby that said “mommy why does that lady have so many pretties.” For the next two tests they started taking me back 10 minutes early so they could get the labs on time. Needless to say by the end I have needle pokes everywhere. When I got to work I wasn’t feeling very well so I took my blood sugar and it was down to 53 which I knew wasn’t a good sign of me passing the test. The good news is at least they know what’s going on. The nurse called later this afternoon and left me a message saying they got my labs back and I need to make an appointment and to tell them that the nurse said I need it ASAP. I have an appointment on Thursday so I’ll let you know what they say.

Wonderful Update...Good news for once

I started on at 232lbs and a waist of 52" and BMI of 42.7. My first goal was to get down 10lbs so I could get my BMI under 40 and 2nd goal to get to a BMI of 35 which means I need to lose 30 to 40lbs. It’s been 3 weeks since I've seen the doctor and not even a week since I meant with the nutritionist I am almost to a BMI of 40...40.7 to be exact and down 3" in my waist and down to 227.3lbs..I haven't switched everything over to my new diet but my goal this last week was 4 days of 60minute of exercise and my goal this week is 5 days of 60 minutes. I've have a ton of new recipes to try out that are high protein and low crab. I can't wait...Honestly I never thought I would actually lose enough weight to get my BMI down where she wants it because nothing else has ever worked but to be down 3" and only down 5lbs gives me tons of hope and it’s all coming off were it needs to before we wanted to start treatment. I think if I’m there before the end of the year I’m still goanna wait to I can be the healthiest possible. GO GO GO that’s all I can say I'm so motivated and if my husband doesn’t want to do it...it doesn't bother me anymore because I see my results. On Friday he was sitting on the couch eating pizza and chips and then wanted more food while I was exercising and normally I tell he needs to get up and do it too but I doesn't make me mad anymore because I'm doing this for 3 reasons...1 because I want to 2 because I need too to be healthy enough for a baby and 3 all for the hopes of another child. Thankful I have some family support but I would have to say my biggest support would be god...I also have wonderful coworkers and wonderful people from church who have been praying for me for a long time now and I thank them so much because things are finally turning around.

Nutrition Follow-Up

Labs

Glucose 118 (goal <100) Insulin 21 (<10)
Chol 193 normal
Triglycerides 173 (<150)
HDL 32 (>40)
Vit D 38- good

Goals and Recommendations from Judy

1. Recommend omega 3 supplement you may need 1-2 capsules to get a total of 1000 mg EPA/DHA. Nordic Natural Ultimate is a good brand. Costco is also good.

2. Meals: try to keep within 45 gm carbohydrate, 15-30 for snacks. Limit simple sweets; try to have whole grain products when available. Enjoy whole fruit rather than juice.

3. Exercise- 30 or more minutes daily, try to have 2 resistance training days- light weights or core work. DVDs are great to use at home or Wii fit!

4. Get adequate sleep and find time for relaxation!

5. Measure your waist monthly and record your progress.

My next appointment is Sept 28th so we’ll see how things go until then. I'm down 1lb from where I started but there are lots of changes happening. I'm trying to keep up with everything but I'm learning every day. I never knew that 1 cup of grapes had 34 crabs. I learn something new every day thanks to Nutrihand Wellness website. It’s so wonderful you can put your recipe in and it will tell you all the info you need to know.

Glucose Monitor Follow-up

I had my appointment on Thursday for the follow-up on my glucose monitor I wore for 3 days. The doctor said that all my levels were within normal range and since I didn’t have a hypoglycemic episode they have to do more test to see if they can find out what is happening. On Tuesday I have a 2 hour glucose tolerance test to see how I do. I already know I’m going to fail since my fasting levels are so high already. My blood pressure has been staying in the 130’s over 80’s with just 2 high readings which is good because I’m on the lowest dose possible right now and only taking it one time a day. They do know that the reason I’m having both of these issues are from having PCOS but they need to know what is going on so they can try to correct it. I’ll let you know how my 2 hour test goes on Tuesday.


Glucose 118 (goal <100) Insulin 21 (<10)

Nutrition Appointment

On Tuesday I meet with Judy Simon a PCOS nutritionist. She was very helpful and informative and willing to meet over Skype or the phone. Judy went through everything that I’ve done in the past what had and had not worked. Went through my current eating and exercise life and went through all medical situations. For those women out there with PCOS I would really have to recommend her. She charges $125 an hour but it is well worth it. She will help you out in between appointments and doesn’t charge. She gives you asses to https://www.nutrihand.com/Nutrihand/myNutrihandMP.do which is a really nice website. If you take the time to enter in your meals, exercise and meds she will look at them every Monday and give you hints, idea’s and things you can do to improve your diet. She will also give you recipe ideas and will answer any questions you have any time. I can’t say enough good things about this lady. She also gave me lots of handout to read and went over what I wanted to work on.


She informed me that my labs showed that I was at high risk for Diabetes but it did not indicate that I had it yet. My fasting glucose level is still high (117) and I need to get it under a 100. She told me that my iron store was a little low but not too bad but she was going to work it into my diet. She told me that she was not able to tell me everything from my labs until I talk with my doctor. So I’m hoping that the rest is good and there was nothing bad.

She put me on a high protein diet and wants me to increase my calorie intake. Right now an average day is 800 to 1000 calories. She wants me to eat an average of 1700 calories a day. I am supposed to eat 30 to 45 grams of carbs a meal and 15 to 30 grams of carbs a snack. She would like me to take an Omega 3 supplement since I won’t eat fish. She would like me to exercise 30 to 60 minutes totally a day with 2 days of resistive exercises, but that will vary depending on my pain level until my surgery.


Some tips for other about what she said…

Eat Oatmeal and Full grain wheat bread
Eat Fruit not Juice
Preferable no soda but if you have to diet soda
Use olive and canola oil when cooking
Eat small portions of nuts
You should eat carbohydrate foods with protein/fat
Example: Apple and Peanut Butter with cheese and whole grain crackers

I also have some hand outs for those who are interested

I meet with her again in a month

Will update later this week after my appointment with my doc about the glucose monitor results

Update from our appointment in Seattle

Today we got to meet our new doctor in Seattle, WA. Her name is Dr. Thyer and our nurse’s name is Lora. They were both very wonderful and willing to explain everything to us. When we first got there they did the regular vitals. Then we got to meet our doctor and went to her office to talk about our history and what we would like to do.

After talking about our history she started to explain to us what she sees from our history. She confirmed the diagnosis of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). She thinks that I am pretty far along in the prognosis since I’m showing problems with handling insulin and already having signs of hypertension. She explained the course of PCOS and the problems that come along with it. She said that she was going to do some labs to confirm what stage I am at. She talked about what they can do to help treat the disease. The main treatment is a very special diet at is focused on the course of PCOS, exercises, weight loss and meds.

I was already put on metformin as a treatment but my body did not take it well. She said that there was one other med that they can put me on but she wants to wait to see what the labs say and wait to see how these other things work first. Thankfully she went into stats without me even having to ask. We talked about it for quite some time about what we wanted to do. People at my BMI can be on drugs for a year and a half and only 10% of them will conceive. If I can also decrease my BMI it decreases our changes of having a mischarge. She was very knowledgeable about the disease and specializes in treating pts with PCOS.

So we made a hard decision. The baby thing is going to go on the back burner for at least 3 months but with the goal in mind of fewer treatments which equals less money and faster results. So for the next 3 months I am going to be working closely with this Nutritionist to work on a PCOS diet which is really going to be a life style change and hopefully with the change we will be able to decrease the about on fat my body wants to store. Due to the course of PCOS our bodies want to store more fat then normal. At my appointment we went over a typical day of eating and the first thing the doctor said was that I wasn’t eating enough. I have to start eating 6 small meals a day which is going to be very hard for me and change most of my food to protein food. The more protein the less fat my body is going to want to store. She said that since I am not eating enough that my body wants to store everything I eat which is why my fasting glucose level is so high. We are also hoping that if we get results it will also decease my hypertension….It would be so nice not having to take BP meds exspically at my age. She said that if the diet, exercise and meds do not work that I would need to see an endocrinologist to see what else they can do or what else is causing any problems.

We also talked about doing another surgery to remove the endometrium that has grown back at this time. Since exercises is one of the other key factors the surgery is becoming more realistic and needed now to decrease the daily amount of pain and fatigue. The doctor is going to wait for more paper work from South Dakota and then she will be talking to another doctor in the building about doing a surgery on me. She said that she was able to perform the surgery but since the endometriosis has gotten so serve and considering I’m already at stage 3 out of 4 she wants someone with more experience. The surgery could also increase our chances of becoming pregnant.

I have to call the doctor back in 2 to 3 weeks for a telephone appointment to go over my labs that they drew. It took 2 people to do my labs because they needed 8 things of blood to run the entire tests they needed. So before I talk to the doctor I have to get set up with the nutritionist to get set up on the PCOS diet and hopefully I can start getting my weight and BMI down. My goal is to get to a BMI of 35 which means I have to lose 40 pounds. But I’m going to get there and I would like to get there by the end of this year and need to get there due to the increase chances and decreased risks.

I am so thankful that I have 2 wonderful people up there who are going to be helping me. The doctor said that she agreed that I need that level of care. My last doctor never told me any of this other information and was never very informative. So hopefully by Jan of 2011 we can get everything straightened out with my body and get the surgery done if it’s necessary and hopefully will be on a good road to success…Plus Jacob will be happy because we will be able to go snowmobiling this year 

I’ll let you know if I hear anything else back otherwise I’ll post again after our phone appointment in 2 to 3 weeks.

Update on ER visit today

So today at work I started feeling like I did 2 Fridays ago when I passed out at work. I ate a cookie and then started feeling funny and sick. I waited a few minutes to see if it went away but it didn't. Things also started spinning and that’s when I started to worry but that’s what happened last time. So I went down the hall at work to find someone to check my blood sugar. I found a CNA to take my blood sugar and it was 53. Lucky for me my favorite and wonderful nurse was working so I went down to see her. I told her what it was and she told me I need to intake sugar. So I wanted back to the OT room and started to drink some sugar but it was getting worse. So I called my doctors nurse and lucky me they actually answered I told her what was going on and that I was very worried because of how low it was and how it was much worse than last time. She told me that my doctor was gone until Friday and she said the only thing she could tell me to do was to drink sugar. I told her that I was already doing that and it wasn’t working. She told me until she called me back that I was not allowed to drive anywhere and was not to be by myself in case it got worse. Thankfully I have good coworkers. They nurse called me back and she said that she talked to the doctor and I was to go to the ER. So I called my husband’s work 4 times and they didn’t answer so I had no idea how to get a hold of them..Thank God he had his phone and he was able to call me back. By the time he got to work I was so shaky and felt so sick I was really scared. When we got to the ER it had gotten up to 128 thanks to the wonderful nurse at work. After labs and test at the ER the doctor sent me home and told me not to eat any sugar and to only eat protein. He wasn’t even worried about it and wouldn’t even try to figure out what was causing it. My blood pressure was everywhere it was from 176 over 80 to 123 over 62 but he didn’t seem to have a problem with that. I tried to ask them more question but just blow me off so I guess I have to wait until next week for hopefully some kind of answer. I’m going to be pushier with my doctor and tell them that I want a heart monitor too because I know something is wrong. Hopefully no more bad news but I’ll update after my appointment with the fertility clinic on Friday…Hopefully there will finally be some good news.

The History and Current Situation since I'm starting this in the middle of the Journey

On December 4th, 2008 we found out we lost our first baby girl at 20 weeks due to medical complications. She was due on May 7th, 2009. We miss her so much...she would be a year and a half now. In Sept 2009 we started trying for our second child which started our current journey we have been on for almost a year now.




In October 2009 I had to received 2 weeks of iron transfusion due to blood loss. I needed blood transfusions but they didn't want to do it since I was so sick and weak they wanted to wait and see how the iron transfusions went. After 2 weeks they did labs again and it wasn't much better. My body was not taking to the iron transfusions. So they decided not to do anymore and to try oral meds again. After 2 months they referred me to a second doctor to try to get the iron level up. They started me on hormone pill to try to stop the bleeding. After another 2 months they finally got everything under control and they thought I was finally healthy enough to start trying. After 2 months of nothing happening they started me on my first fertility treatment of clomid. The first dose was 50mg and it didn't work so the second month they upped it to 100mg. Well that didn't go so well and set me back again. I had a reaction to and was no longer able to take it. I was then referred to the clinic in Spokane, WA.



I was keeping my fingers crossed that everything was going to go good and we could actually be able to get prego's again. We went up for our first appointment and they told us they were going to have us try another oral med first and after 3 months if that didn't work then we were going to try injections and then from there was IVF treatments. When they were doing the ultrasound they found that my left ovary was not longer functional due to the course the endometriosis has taken on it but the right side seem to be fine. Then after 2 weeks I got the call that set us back even more. They told me that the insulin level in my blood was really high due to PCOS and they would need to put me on metformin to help lower the level. I also had an infection and would need to take antibiotics for 2 weeks. Come to find out they did that just because they were going to be gone and didn’t make sure the meds won’t cause other problems in my body. After 5 days and down 13 pounds they finally told me I could stop the meds. Ever since then I’ve had nothing but problems. I called the clinic back 4 times to ask them questions about the meds and I wanted to know more about why they wanted me on this med and they would never call me. When I was able to talk with them they told me that it was high and would never give me the numbers.



So I asked my OBGYN for a new referral if he did not agree with what the clinic in Spokane was doing. The nurse called me back and asked me if I wanted to go to Boise or Seattle. After lots of research we decided to go with the clinic in Seattle because they will outsource everything they can so we don't have to make so many trips out that way. We have our first appointment in Seattle with this new doctor, so I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed again in hopes of good news but I want the truth this time. No games.

Right now I am currently dealing with high blood pressure and low blood sugar. It took 6 weeks to get into my regular doctor to talk with her about why my blood sugar is staying in the 70's and 80's and why my blood pressure is all over the place. I finally had an appointment last week and they put me on a blood pressure med and I was suppose to be hooked up to a glucose monitor for 24 hours a day for 3 days. But the doctors are too busy and can't do it until next week. I have an appointment on Tuesday to see how the blood pressure med is working.