Colors of the Wind

Over the last couple of years I have been finding hope and inspiration to continue on this journey through listening to songs and actually thinking through what the song is saying. Over the last week I have needed a lot of inspiration to keep going on this journey. Over the last year this journey has been pushing my emotional strength. I thank God every day for the strength he has given to me to get through every day. My relationship grows with him everyday that I am on this amazing journey with him however some days I need some extra encouragement to continue on this journey and I believe that God is leading me to what I need because sometimes just listening to one song can change a very hard emotional day into one of the most amazing days because I realize all of God amazing power and get to see all the miracles he's created. Lately I have been having a hard time seeing all the pregnant women. I know that it is an amazing thing that God has been able to create all of this wonderful miracles for all of these people. I usually have a hard time because I wish beyond word, hopes and dreams that it would be my turn. Sometimes I just don't understand. Lately, I swear that everyone I see and know is pregnant which is wonderful and exciting but some have only been trying for a couple of months and here I have been trying for years. At those moments I think that I am a very horrible person for even thinking thoughts like that. Then God gives me a hit upside the head and makes me understand.
God has a perfect timing for everything and he has a plan. God's plan for me might not involve being a tummy and heart mommy for the same child. He's plan for me might be me being a amazing heart mommy for wonderful children out there who need my love. God has lead us down the road to foster care and hopefully to adoption. I have been trying to figure out weather or not to carry on down this road of infertility treatments. Stopping the treatments doesn't mean that my journey is anywhere near over. In fact it is going to lead me down another lane on the road with new emotion, struggles and pains. I have been praying and asking for guidance of what to do and where to go from here and I kinda feel stranded. I'm not sure because I feel like he is showing me to go in both directions and if that is his plan then he will give me the strength I need to cont down both road but I just feel so unsure of what his plan is.
This month is a month off of meds not by choice but because of another huge cyst. The cyst is not getting any smaller in fact its getting bigger. I can move the cyst by pushing on my stomach and you can visually see it. The pain is back to where it was only 7 months ago. I had a cyst before we started this new treatments of meds. I still have been doing the normal test at home without the meds and it just wasn't meant to be this month. I still have 10 to 15 days to go until the next ultrasound to find out what the cyst is up to. I some what feel that this Gods way of saying that this is the end of this journey but at the same time things have gotten held up on our adoption and foster care stuff so I am so lost beyond words.
Two months ago I would have been ready and was ready to start on the new road of this journey and to move forward but after last month giving me the first hope that something is possible because of God in the last 2 1/2 years makes me now feel that I'm not ready to get off. I tell myself you can't give up now. I'm just going to cont to pray and to ask God for the strength I need to get through each day and for guidance on this journey. It could all just be that right now is not God's time........His timing of things could never be more then beyond perfect.
So here is the song that I found that gave me hope earlier this week after a 10 hour day at work and a week and a half of neg OPKs.



Not a normal infertility song but this song has always been one of my favorites and over the last couple of days I cont to hear this song and it continually comes to my head so I took at a closer look at to what God was trying to show me.

I had to look deep into the words to find what I was looking for but there I found it. It talks about the fact that everything has a life a spirit and a name. To those of us going through this journey we learn to understand how amazing something is even after 1 day of meeting together at which point it becomes a living thing and we long to meet the little one here on earth or in heaven. It talks about people that think that are people are the ones who look and think like you. But the truth is all of those women that I look at and see might have a long journey behind them that I don't know about and that's why God is so amazing.  It talks about hearing animals crying to the blue moon and to me is like asking if you listening to a women going through infertility crying out to God. Can those who have not walked the journey hear our deepest heart crying for the strength we need to carry on. It talks about coming and running the hidden pine trailing and finding amazing things along the way and not thinking about how much there worth. Its just like walking the journey of infertility. The trails are hidden to others who have not walked the journey and there are things that we find along the way that mean more to you than what they are worth to others. It talks about how the rivers, rainstorms and animals are family and it is so true even in the journey I am on. The rivers of tears that flow out of my eyes are my friends and my cat and dog are always here. In fact my cat will come and curl up on my lap when I'm crying and comforts me when there is no one else around.

Sorry for such a long post....I hope it was inspiring to those of you who are walking the same journey I am on. Praying and thinking about all of you. Thanks so much for all of your support, thoughts and prays.
Holly