"While I'm Waiting"

I'm been working on this post for a couple of days not quit sure what to write. My positivity is getting harder to stick to. In the last 2 days I have received $998 bill from the clinic and $287 bill from the company that reads the ultrasounds. Still waiting on my bill from the labs. That is only for 1 month of treatments. So I have figured out that one treatment of just Famara with no other meds is going to cost about $1500+. I have a feeling that in a couple of months we will be taking out another loan for medical bills.

Part of it is that this month without any treatments seems to be going on forever and I'm not even half way through. This month seems to be a test of my strength. I know the last few months have been testing my strength but this one just seems so much harder. I think that I am just getting impatient with waiting. I have been praying and praying for Gods strength to get me through and to give me the strength I need. The amount of pain I have been is so intense which is the same level that I was in last October when I ended up having surgery to remove the cyst. I keep telling myself I can do it...I can do it...but having to miss a day of work because of the pain doesn't make it any easier.

Things I have miss....
Actually kind of miss all the people at the doctors office. They have been so supportive. I go to just the regular doctors office for my ultrasounds and blood work since Seattle is about 5 hours from here. When I call or walk into the clinic they all know who I am and even the people I don't work with know who I am. I kinda miss all the test too...I feel like I have so much time its kinda wired.

Sorry for the randomness but I've been trying to put my thoughts together for a couple of day and its just not working. It has just been so hard to stay positive this month. Like tonight sitting at home by my self on a Friday night does not help. I would love to have kids running around screaming or crying. Its just getting hard because I know I am facing the facts of having to have everything removed this time. I have been ok with it in the past but after last month and actually ovulating for the first time in 2 1/2 years it made it so much harder to accept the fact. Before have I always told them its ok but that was because nothing had happened in 2 years but now that something has happened I'm kinda lost.

I have been listening to lots of songs to try to keep me going positive...so here is one of them...




Sorry for the lack of positivity in this post but I am working on a better one for tomorrow. Some time ago I started posting stories from the bible of women who went through infertility issue and then I stopped and never finished so my goal for the next 2 weeks is go finish that project.

Off the topic  I am working on a marathon for 3 months (March, April, and May) I have a feeling that God planned the timing. It is an ultra marathon and for the next 3 months I have to walk a total of 150 miles minimum and I'm out to pass the minimum, my goal is 200 miles.  My goal for tomorrow is 6 miles. Walking has always been away of coping for me and I feel that god has led me here for a reason. I use to walk 7 miles a day and I'm really hoping to get back to that. I have also been so frustrated because I worked so hard for 3 months to shed off the 15 pounds I needed to to start treatments and after lots of ups and downs, extreme pain and surgery. I finally got to where I needed to be and now after one months of treatments I have gained 12 pounds of that back. So I am fighting full force to get the 12 pounds back off in the month I have off.

Don't get me wrong because I would give everything in this world up for just the chance of getting pregnant just 1 more time. I have such a huge longing for just one more chance of having one child of my own to hold in my arms that I have and would given up so many of my favorite foods and drink. I have given up my life style I was living and moved far away from my family to make the money I would need make just the minimum payments that the hospital will take and still provide the services I need to continue the treatments.

Thank you to all of you out there who support me and pray for us. You have made a huge difference in my life and just by reading your blogs can turn a horrible day back to a wonderful day just by guiding me back to God faith and word. I can't say thank you enough....
With Love and Hope for all of you out there who are on this special journey down this road that we get to travel on with God. I pray for each and everyone of you that if you are still waiting for your miracle, like me, that god will bless us when the timing is right. Every morning I look at the sunrise and thank god for all the miracles that he is making for the day. And for those of you who are currently expecting a wonderful miracle from God I just pray that everything goes well and that you get to meet your wonderful miracle when its time. And for the ones who have a wonderful miracle or two..I just pray and thank God for giving you the strength to get to where he has guided you so far on your journey and pray that he cont to guide you on your journey with him.....Holly