Sunday, September 18, 2011

Missing My Blog

Its kinda crazy (well not really) but I feel very disconnected from my support world. I really want to get back to it because I feel like everything is building up inside and I have nobody to talk to about it. I don't have a very supportive family and I would talk about it more however  I know there is one or two who read this blog every once in awhile. Every time I want to or need to write I end up having to write an important email about the kids that are living with me. This current placement is very mentally and physically draining plus require nightly cares. I really need some prayers that these kids become connected to God and help them understand even tho bad things happen to them that he still loves them cares about them.

As for me I went in for my pre-surgical u/s to find that the cyst has gotten bigger and does in fact need to be removed. They wanted to do it this past Tuesday however that did not work out and had to be reschedule 3 times as to reasons that I am very unhappy with and really wish people would not be so self center.  I went in for my u/s on Thursday and they wanted to do it that following Tuesday for a very good reason. By the u/s and labs that were done there is a likely hood that this cyst could be cancerous. Which would explain my contestant feeling of being sick. I feel like I have morning sickness and it is usually all night long. I have also lost 12 pounds over the last 2 weeks which no change in activity I have actually been more lazy due to the amount of pain I am in.

Surgery is scheduled for Oct 4th. They are doing one of two surgeries. I am waiting to hear an update from the doctor soon. They are either going to just remove the cyst or they are going to take the whole left ovary out in hopes of a decreased chance that the cyst grows back and in hopes that they right side will start working. When I first talked with the doctor about taking the left ovary he kept telling me on someone my age they won't take it out and I explain every time that I am not a normal 23 year old and the answer goes like this...At your age this is still hope that things will start working for you and you have a lot of years ahead of you for you to be able to carry a child.

I have turned the situation over to God and prayed to him to help the doctor understand and to help him to decided to do what is right. I have had 3 years of no ovary function at all. The right side creates follicles but nothing to a functional size even with meds. I have accepted the fact (even tho at times I still wish and pray) that I will not be able to carry my own child and that god has other plains for me. Even tho it is very hard to see this at this point in time because we are struggling to save money for our adoption with no outside support. I know that when that day comes when God place a baby in my arms that is mine to keep forever it will be more special than I can image and the timing could not be better. But when I'm in this deep dark tunnel with just a small twinkle of light at the end right now that keeps fading in and out it is so hard to keep handing it all over to god and trusting him that one day I will have a baby to hold in my arms.

Last Sunday in church our pastor talked about some very hard topics...He just came back from a sabbatical.....But he was a 100% right but it is so hard to say.......
He said fill in the blanks.....
Would I rather know God or have______________________________
His sample was.........
Would I rather know God or have my children follow God

For me....I'm crying as I type this
Would I rather know God or have_________________
I would rather know God then have a baby to hold in my arms forever.

Gods love is more powerful then any ones love and without God I would not be able to walk through this journey. Without his music I wouldn't make home from work with out shedding tears of pain, fear and anger. Without God nothing in this world would be the same. Without God I won't be me.


Saturday, September 3, 2011