Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Gods Amazing Grace

Revelation 3:8
King James 2000 Bible (©2003)
I know your works: behold, I have set before you an open door, and no man can shut it: for you have a little strength, and have kept my word, and have not denied my name.

God works in amazing ways and it is so amazing when you can see it and feel it right in front of your own eyes. Last week after 3 days of straight crying and I couldn't even hold it in out in public anymore. I finally prayed to God and asked him to take all of my burdens off of my shoulders. I couldn't do it on my own with and I needed his faith to make it through the next couple of weeks. I am know sitting at home childless once again, unable to work with so many unanswered questions up in the air. Its so hard to be patient and wait for Gods timing with things. We feel like god is really telling us that now is the time to move back home however I will continue to pray for guidance with the right answer. I really need to take the time to listen to him and keep my eyes open to his answers.
While I've been sitting at home I have been watching some of my favorite movies to help me keep on track to and to help me remember when you give god your whole heart not just part and live through him that he will answer prayers in his timing.

My Favorite Movies
Facing the Giants
Letters to God


I have been praying to God that if we are not to move and we are to stay here then I need a clear sign because I'm not quite getting the hints and if it is meant to be that we move while we know that everything will work out. While today I was thinking. A week ago tomorrow we put our home up for sale. We have had one person look at the home. The Realtor told us when we signed papers that she could not find a sign for our yard and as soon as they found one she would bring it over. However still no sign. I'm wondering if this is the sign I had asked for.

I feel so stuck. Its not against any one's blogs whom I read however I feel like a lone ranger. I read several blogs and we are all in different stages however there is few who are still waiting. I am so happy for all who have their little ones in their arms or working on adoptions or both. However I need to not feel so alone anymore and need that motivation from others in the same stages. If anyone reading my blog has some suggestions I would much appreciate it. Thanks to everyone for the support you provide.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

In God's Hands

Last night we went to small group and it had been awhile since I have been able to go due to everything going on with the kids we had and our holiday break. My husband wanted to stay home however I told him I was going with or without him. I said I needed to go and I am so happy I did. One of the members of the group told me that I looked so at peace with everything and not as stressed as I have in the past months. I never thought that the stress of the two kids was so open to the eye however I am so thankful for that person because its true. I have never been so at peace in my whole life.

Before the last couple of weeks I don't think I have ever truly given my whole life to God. I don't think I have let everything rest in his hands or give up control of every situation. As of today, I can tell I have done so and it truly feels so amazing. I am at totally peace with everything. I feel so free. I have finally started to listen to him and not just listen to the things that I wanted to hear. I have kept myself so busy with me life so I couldn't or didn't have time to listen or spend time with him. When he took the kids out of my life I fought so hard with every tear and tried to hold it in just to go to the store because I wanted so desperately to keep them. But yet he put them in my life for a short (sometimes felt like the longest time) 9 months and then took them away.

I've have never understood why he keeps putting kids in my life and then takes them away when I so desperately want one that is mine to hold on to forever and not have to go through every day wondering when they are going to leave. Then he took my job away and at this point it is going to be a long time until I can return to my job. At first I was wondering what in the heck he was doing. He took my 2 kids away and now my job. With my husband losing his job soon due to his store closing. I was really wondering what he was thinking. How are we going to pay bill (at this point workman's comp was not approved nor did I think it was going to go through). However, I just left it in Gods hands I just knew his hands where in on this.

Two days ago I received a call from workman's comp and they said I was approved. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry. God has control of my whole life right now and I love every minute of it. We turned in the notice to the adoption agency that we were working with that we were moving and I thanked them for their time. The agency only works in Idaho and Washington. Guaranteed we out all that we put in however I feel lead by God that now is the time to move its just where too. But I know in my heart that God has an amazing plan for us.

Yes, I want to know the plan as that is who I am. I want to know when I will have a forever child to hold in my arms. I want to know if or when we will have another foster care placement. I want to know when I can work again. I want to know if we can sell our home. I want to know if my husband will find a job where ever we are called to go. I want to know everything but I now totally understand that God is really working in my life. I have no answers to anything in my life right now besides because of Gods amazing grace I will be able to pay my bills. He is so truly amazing. Don't get me wrong. Every day I still am longing for my forever child and it hurts to continue to go through the days with 3 babies in heaven but I know they are in good hands up in heaven and they are home.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Prayer Makes a Difference

God has amazing plans for us all in our lives. We just have to remember that God will make things happen at the right time. Over the past week I have really felt Gods work in my life. My Husband and I have officially decided to put our home up for sale and move back to the Midwest. Its a hard decision and we will definitely miss everyone here that provides us with the support we need to get thought the days. It is actually one of my biggest worries. I'm worried we won't find such a supporting church that we absolutely love. If it wasn't for our current church I would not be where I am at today as when we moved here three years ago my relationship with God was very minimal and now I try to live my life through him. I know that if this is his plan for us things will work out and I will find another place that will allow me to continue to grow just as much. So here life goes with all control in placed in Gods hands. The fate of what happens in the next several months all lies in God hands and up to him if we can sell our home or not.

I have made it my promise to him that I will devote more time with him every day and I have picked back up my one minute devotions book. My husband and I have also started FPU classes.
Here's today devotional which could have not been more fitting.

Prayer Makes a Difference
While Peter was in prison, the church prayed very earnestly for him.
Acts 12:5

Overwhelmed. Gloomy. We would have felt that way, too, if we had been Peter's friends.
After all, Jesus had been crucified at Passover the previous year, and James had just been killed by the sword. Peter seemed to be destined for the same end.

But Peter's friends were praying earnestly, and God sent an angel to lead him out of the prison-straight to a home where his friends were praying!

Are you aware of anyone who is praying for you today? Ask a family member or a friend to talk to God about your concerns. And if you're aware of someone who's in need of prayer, offer some passionate prayer to God on their behalf. Then, wait because earnest prayer makes a difference.

Thank You that we can pray for one another. Amen.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Rock Bottom

I though I have hit rock bottom before but man I really need GOD to help me through this next week. As everything in my life is all changing at once and I can't do it by myself. I have spent the last 3 days of my life crying. I don't like doing bullets but I think it will be easier.
  • First life change in the last 3 weeks  ago we found out that my husband will be losing his jobs as his company is closing his store. We have no idea of when his last day of work is. We are keeping our fingers crossed to see if he can find another job here or we will be picking up and moving back to South Dakota or Oklahoma.
  • We having been waiting for the Realtor to come and give us a value on our house to see if we could sell our home and come out even with all the expenses of selling our home. We should know by the end of the week.
  • I am almost guaranteed a job back in South Dakota and have already been through phone interviews. Once they give me an offer the job is mine but where waiting to do that until we find out if we are selling our home this year or next year.
  • I have been very sick over the last two weeks what was though to be a server since infection and have been on antibiotics for almost 2 weeks. This weekend I started having server back pain and couldn't really move. The pain has only got worse and has spread throughout the whole body. I finally broke down and took the pain killers the doctors offered my after refusing several times. However yesterday afternoon the doctor told me I am not allowed to work at this point as my reflex are not even working. I am currently being tested for Kidney failure.
  • We have been told over the last two weeks that the kids living with us are leaving and then there not and then they are and it kept going back and forth. It is finally official that they are moving on Sunday. I'm not happy about it but it is out of our hand.
All these things pulled together have me totally stressed out. Not only does my husband not have a job but now I can not work until they think it is safe for me to return which could be next week or months from now. We are losing the kids who have been living with us for over 9 months. I really need GOD help through is situation as it is so much change happening fast and I am now ordered to bed rest.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Injection Number 3

On Thursday afternoon I had injection number 3 done. I had only minor side effects with the last two however I can tell when it is wearing of as I get very nausea and the cramping gets worse. However this time I am not so lucky. It started the same as last time minimal lower back pain after the injection however Friday night the pain just kept getting worse and worse. I started having back spams and I was thinking I would just sleep it off as I probably transferred someone wrong at work. I kept waking up during the night with server back pain to wait up Saturday morning not being able to stand up. I made myself get up and getting ready and head to work. I came home for lunch I could not even stand up right as it was very pain full and I felt like my body was frozen in that position. As the day went on I could not sit, lay down or stand up as each one had its different pains. As of Saturday night my lower back was swollen and I had strange marks all the way up my back. Sunday Morning after an emergency call to the chiropractor and lots of stretching at home and pain relieving cream all over the back it only got worse. As now I can feel my tail bone area and my upper back however I can not feel anything in between its just a numb sensation in that part. I will be calling my doctor first thing tomorrow morning when they open. I still have 3 more injections to go at this point to I'm unsure what they are going to do from this point. Temporary paralysis is one of the side effects. I will give an update as soon as I know anything.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Our Happy New Year

We found out almost a week ago today that my husband will be losing his job in 10 weeks. The company he works for is closing some of its doors. We have been asking God for a sign if the agency we are working with is the right one and we have been praying about weather or not we should wait until we move as it is a lot cheaper in other states and we would have family close by. We are not sure if this it the sign we have been looking for as we would now be able to resale our home without having to pay the first time homeowners many back due to job related reasons. We are in need of lots of prayers of what the right thing is to do. Whatever the change is it will be happening fast. We thank you form the bottom of our hearts for any prayers.  We know that God has a plan for us as we knew we didn't have the money to adopt and we have been blessed with money from two individuals that will help out with the first part of the money which we knew would be the hardest. I know God provides just in some ways we don't understand.