In God's Hands



Last night we went to small group and it had been awhile since I have been able to go due to everything going on with the kids we had and our holiday break. My husband wanted to stay home however I told him I was going with or without him. I said I needed to go and I am so happy I did. One of the members of the group told me that I looked so at peace with everything and not as stressed as I have in the past months. I never thought that the stress of the two kids was so open to the eye however I am so thankful for that person because its true. I have never been so at peace in my whole life.

Before the last couple of weeks I don't think I have ever truly given my whole life to God. I don't think I have let everything rest in his hands or give up control of every situation. As of today, I can tell I have done so and it truly feels so amazing. I am at totally peace with everything. I feel so free. I have finally started to listen to him and not just listen to the things that I wanted to hear. I have kept myself so busy with me life so I couldn't or didn't have time to listen or spend time with him. When he took the kids out of my life I fought so hard with every tear and tried to hold it in just to go to the store because I wanted so desperately to keep them. But yet he put them in my life for a short (sometimes felt like the longest time) 9 months and then took them away.

I've have never understood why he keeps putting kids in my life and then takes them away when I so desperately want one that is mine to hold on to forever and not have to go through every day wondering when they are going to leave. Then he took my job away and at this point it is going to be a long time until I can return to my job. At first I was wondering what in the heck he was doing. He took my 2 kids away and now my job. With my husband losing his job soon due to his store closing. I was really wondering what he was thinking. How are we going to pay bill (at this point workman's comp was not approved nor did I think it was going to go through). However, I just left it in Gods hands I just knew his hands where in on this.

Two days ago I received a call from workman's comp and they said I was approved. I wanted to drop to my knees and cry. God has control of my whole life right now and I love every minute of it. We turned in the notice to the adoption agency that we were working with that we were moving and I thanked them for their time. The agency only works in Idaho and Washington. Guaranteed we out all that we put in however I feel lead by God that now is the time to move its just where too. But I know in my heart that God has an amazing plan for us.

Yes, I want to know the plan as that is who I am. I want to know when I will have a forever child to hold in my arms. I want to know if or when we will have another foster care placement. I want to know when I can work again. I want to know if we can sell our home. I want to know if my husband will find a job where ever we are called to go. I want to know everything but I now totally understand that God is really working in my life. I have no answers to anything in my life right now besides because of Gods amazing grace I will be able to pay my bills. He is so truly amazing. Don't get me wrong. Every day I still am longing for my forever child and it hurts to continue to go through the days with 3 babies in heaven but I know they are in good hands up in heaven and they are home.