Friday, March 30, 2012

A year ago

A year ago today my husband received the best call of our lives. He received a call for a 1 day old baby to be placed in our arms and work most likely (99.9%) would be going up for adoption. We got to go get Baby JL from the hospital and bring him home with us.

However a few short days later one persons decision allowed this baby to go back to home. However we do get to see him often. It is very heart breaking to take him back home. These were the best and worst days of our lives but we are going to celebrate the happiness this year.

One Year Ago....
6 Months Ago.....

Happy 1st Birthday Baby JL

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Last ONE !!!!!!

Today brings so much hope, peace, joy, happiness and dreams. Today is my last injection of Lupron. In ways I can't believe its only been six months and in other ways it feel like forever. I know in my heart that God has a plan for us and it will be better than I could ever imagine.
I have no idea of what the plan is from here all I know is God has a wonderful plan for my husband and I. There are some things currently lying in front of us we are just not sure what gods plan is. We are just waiting it out.  Over the last several months I have been asking God for a sign of what to do and every time I'm wondering if something is my sign and I pray and ask God if that is the sign the next day it goes away. I know no matter how long the wait God has something waiting for us.

Miscarriage Mask
By Lee Ann White
Every day when I go out 
On my face I put a mask 
To hide the pain I feel inside
When people stop and ask.

"How are you? Are you okay?"
Are questions I seem to hear.
I just answer, "I am fine."
But with it comes a tear.

"Oh, I'm sorry" is what they say,
"I didn't mean to make you sad."
Then I just say, "Oh, it's okay.
I really am fine. Don't feel bad."

Their meaning of "fine" is not the same 
As the meaning I use as mine
For the miscarriage mask hides the truth
The tear is with me all the time.

I think this poem is true to more than just miscarriages. I believe it goes with anyone who is infertile. We hide our true feelings between ourselves and God. Over the last weeks I have seen so many who have been blessed. Some who realize it is a blessing and others who don't. I have friends who are trying and soon to be trying. I have one dear friend who talks about trying after they get married this summer. I feel bad for her as I am afraid she going to have to endure the same path as I have (there is some blood relation). She is so very afraid that she is going to end up pregnant and I'm going to be heart broken. I tell her not to worry and that I will be happy for her. I tell her God has a plan for me and it will be ok (she is not a follower of God).  However for some reason every time I get off the phone I shed tears of hurt, pain and happiness for her. As I remember those days of high hope and happiness running through my head. I remember when my husband and I were so happy to be starting that journey. Then quickly comes the memories of how quickly they came crashing down. I remember how after losing the first one that every time we found out we were pregnant again there would be every little happiness but tons of heartache of pain and fear of it happening again. 
To be very honest I happy the 6 months of injections are done however it bring a lot of fear. For my body has never once not let me down. I think at times the fear is so great that I don't want to become pregnant out of fear of yet another baby going to heave. I love that our precious little ones are in heave and their in a very happy spot and I'm sure they are so very happy to be home. But it hurts down here. I need to trust God and I do. I know he has a plan for me but I can't let go of the fear. I thought when I was done with the injections I would be signing and be so excited to start trying again but I'm not. I think I have given up on it every happening and if it does I'm fearful of a miscarriage. I don't even want to try anymore. I just want there to not be an empty whole in my heart anymore.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I was going to wait to share this one next week. But I can't wait....I this is one of my favorite.

Music Monday

This song is written from Jason Schuster. He is from the church I attend. His story is amazing. He had the dream job and was going to build his dream house but God was leading him in a different way so he decided to make the decision to follow Jesus plan and step away from the comfort side and truly trust Jesus. He is living proof that when you give Jesus the power of your life amazing things can happen. I really hope you enjoy it. This is a song he wrote himself.

My Prayer by Jason Schuster

Monday, March 19, 2012

Music Monday

Praise You In The Storm
By Casting Crowns

A lot of our contemporary worship songs are written by life itself. It is important to me as a Christian that I am not just preached to but that those are in ministry are living the same struggles as those who are attending worship service. It is really inspiring when I see that people come out stronger on the other side.
Mark Hall Wrote Song about Mother of Cancer Patient Erin Edwards
"I praise you in the storm and I will lift my hand. You are who you are! No matter where I am."
These are the lyrics of "Praise you in the Storm " by Christian Band Casting Crowns. The song encourages accepting the circumstances in our lives whether they are good or bad while giving God praise for it. Erin Edwards was a ten year old girl who suffered from cancer. With six years of age she accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. Erin Edwards was diagnosed with 7. She was a huge Casting Crown fan. She fought cancer off successfully the first time around. While she was cancer free Erin Edwards gave testimony in several churches. She also would dance until her cancer returned. Her mother Laurie Edwards was saddened and desperate knowing her little girl would die. At a visit to her hospital bed Erin requested that her mother reads the scriptures to her. Laurie read for five hours the bible to her little girl and literally placed the bible on the floor and stood on it. After that Erin's was artificially induced into a comma so she wouldn't have endured pain in her last hours of life. Laurie Edwards held her daughter for another few hours until Erin passed away and she experienced an incredible peace. Mark Hall from Casting Crown visited Erin and her family a couple times and was impressed by the testimony of faith. That is the reason why he wrote the song in 2004. Casting Crown is one of the leading worship bands in this country. Casting Crown was founded in 1999. They released 7 studio album and 4 live albums. The song; "Praise you in the Storm" was 7 weeks at number one in the Billboard 100. It's remarkable to know that the Grammy awarded best selling band still leads worship on Sunday at their Church Eagle's Landing First Baptist Church in McDonough, GA. When on tour they make sure they are home on Sunday in order to do that. Click here  for more on the story.

“Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Monday, March 12, 2012

Music Monday

The Heart of Worship
By Matt Redman's
Verse 1
When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Verse 2
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath


I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song
More than a song
I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song
You're looking into my heart
Looking into my heart
You're looking into my heart
Into my heart
I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song

The Story Behind the Song

The song dates back to the late 1990s, born from a period of apathy within Matt’s home church, Soul Survivor, in Watford, England. Despite the country’s overall contribution to the current worship revival, Redman’s congregation was struggling to find meaning in its musical outpouring at the time.
“There was a dynamic missing, so the pastor did a pretty brave thing,” he recalls. “He decided to get rid of the sound system and band for a season, and we gathered together with just our voices. His point was that we’d lost our way in worship, and the way to get back to the heart would be to strip everything away.”
Reminding his church family to be producers in worship, not just consumers, the pastor, Mike Pilavachi, asked, “When you come through the doors on a Sunday, what are you bringing as your offering to God?”
Matt says the question initially led to some embarrassing silence, but eventually people broke into a cappella songs and heartfelt prayers, encountering God in a fresh way.
“Before long, we reintroduced the musicians and sound system, as we’d gained a new perspective that worship is all about Jesus, and He commands a response in the depths of our souls no matter what the circumstance and setting. ‘The Heart of Worship’ simply describes what occurred.”
When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come / Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart… / I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus
Redman remembers writing the song quickly in his bedroom soon after the church’s journey together, with no grand intentions, by any means, for it to become an international anthem. He viewed the words simply as his personal, subjective response to what he was learning about worship.
But when Matt shared “The Heart of Worship” with Pilavachi, the pastor suggested making a few small adjustments to the lyrics so any member of the church could relate to it as well.
Amazed by how God has since taken the song around the world for His purposes, the songwriter smiles in regard to his own lack of foresight. “It nearly didn’t go any further than my bedroom. But I love that…”
The trademark tune soon became the title track for Matt Redman’s 1999 album, The Heart of Worship. The recording process was consistent with the artist’s sensitive approach to being in the studio.
“We decided to not get all complicated, and just let the song ‘breathe.’ We’re always trying to create more of a church atmosphere in the studio rather than just a technical musical gathering. Something happens when the people of God gather together and play out the praises of God in the presence of God. Hopefully something of that passion and purpose transcends beyond that studio room onto the recordings themselves.”
Following Matt’s original release, which featured a guest vocal appearance by Martin Smith, lead singer of Delirious, “The Heart of Worship” became a new standard of the modern worship music movement, sung by fellow artists, choirs, and church families alike. Among the ever-rising number of reinterpretations, Redman is especially fond of Michael W. Smith’s from his 2001 classic, Worship.
“I honestly like them all,” he admits. “It’s a great encouragement when people take the songs and run with them. Perhaps my favorite is Michael’s— maybe because it’s a live version and therefore really captures and conveys the heart of the song’s theme.”
Even more encouraging, he says, is when other pastors get in touch to let Matt know how God has used the song to take their congregations through a situation similar to the one his church experienced.
As teachable as “The Heart of Worship” has become, Matt Redman continues to learn about true worship and will journey further into that heart in summer 2004 with a new album, Facedown.
“It’s such a biblical posture in worship that speaks of reverence. If you look through the Bible, there’s a whole host of people who faced up to the glory of God and found themselves facedown in worship. So the album weaves through a theme of reverence, wonder, and mystery in worship, things I feel we really need to grasp more of in our worship expressions. I know that I do!”

Sunday, March 11, 2012

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Music Monday...Late

Sorry my post is late...
This is one of my favorite songs. The words in this song a so true to life.

"Where I belong" by Building 429

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This in not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This in not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the light fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This in not where I belong

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong
“Where I Belong” was written out of the thought process of “where is our home”? If there was a theme to my life over the last year it would be “this place is not our home”.
Why would I say that? Well, because in the last couple of years I’ve watched a lot of people I respect make major mistakes that had a huge impact on their lives.  
Why would people who have everything choose to do things that destroy the blessing they live under? The more I think about it, the more I realize that the “good life” just doesn’t exist here on earth. Nothing we have, earn, are given, or could buy will ever keep us from desiring something more. This is proven by the people who have it all but give it all away in an effort to get more.
It was echoed in my own life as I began to realize that I wasn’t so different from the people who had made such huge mistakes. We’re always in a fight to remember why we exist and where we belong. It’s an all out war to stay on the path. If you and I think we’re above the BIG mistakes, we’re kidding ourselves.
This song reminds me that some day the work that God began in me will be completed. In the meantime it reminds me to say “take this world and give me Jesus”. When I live by that phrase, everything is different and suddenly the things I think I need become worthless. The coolest thing about this song is the comfort that it has brought to a lot of people as they’ve had to face our greatest fear in life: death. A song that I wrote about how to live has also become a song of assurance for many people close to us. We hope it serves as a reminder to all. This world is not our home. In the arms of our Creator is where we belong.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Now that February is over and March is here I'm going to start a project "A month about me". During the month of March I will post information about me and things in my life. This way we can get to know each other a little better. So here is the first post of things you might not know about me.

My Favorite Word: Girly
My Least Favorite Word: Because
Noise I love: Ocean waves, Babies and kids laughing
Noise I hate: Silverware being rubbed together is just like nails on a chalk board
What are things I like: The Bible in one year book, being with my family, hanging out with friends, playing board or card games, playing just dance 1,2 or 3 on the Wii, sewing, putting puzzles together, scrap-booking, photography
What are things I don't like: Close-minded people, gossip
Profession I would like to attempt: Having my own photography studio (hopefully after we move I will be able to open one up)
Profession I would hate: Be a cop ( I just couldn't do it so I am very thankful to those who can)
An addiction I have: I really wish I could say it was the Bible but for some reason I have a hard time picking it up some days
How did my husband propose: He proposed on December 6th, 2008. It was his birthday and he had all of his family over.  It was 2 days after we found out that we lost our first baby. We had picked out the ring and I knew it was in but I didn't know that he had went and picked it up just hours before his party. I sent him out of the house so I could wrap his presents. Little did I know I was sending him to the store to get my ring.
My favorite places on earth are: The drive down Old Hwy 12 from Lewiston, ID to Mossula, MT
Dreams: To have a family through birth, adoption and foster care
My family: I have 5 sister, 2 step dads, my mom and my dad

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Friday, March 2, 2012

Number 5

Yesterday I received my 5th injection yesterday. I have one more injection to go.  Let me tell yeah the first 3 came with minimal side effects. The forth brought on hot flashes and let me just say since yesterday they have about doubled. However putting the cost aside ($800 an injection) and the hot flashes it is all worth every ounce of chance to have a child of our own. God is truly amazing because the side effects could be 50 times worse. I can't wait for the last injection because then a month after that I can officially start trying again.