Tuesday, November 30, 2010

CAT Scan Update

So the CAT scan came back normal...Yeah for normal but that now means more test. I find out at my appointment tomorrow what the next steps are. Odd that I have a normal eye and a normal brain and no known reason as to why I'm losing my vision. I am so happy that I'm tumor/mass/cancer free but the feeling of the unknown is worse then knowing. Its bad enough having infertility issue and not knowing weather or not we can have our own children but having other unknown medical issues on top of it too. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the test I do tomorrow will give them more of an answer and hopefully it will be an easy fix. Depending on what I find out tomorrow I think I'm going to do my labs later this week or Monday of next week. I'm excited because I want to know but at the same time with all my bad luck..I don't want to have to keep working on other stuff. I always think in this year and a half we have been on no orders longer then we have been on orders. I know that it is all in Gods timing and its hard to believe and see with all of the issues I have had over the last 3 years but I remind myself of the miracle that good is painting for me...One day I'm going to look out the window and see the most wonderful and pretty sunrise that I have ever seen and I will know that god is working on my miracle and every morning I look at the sky and can see all of the other wonderful miracle he is working on. Its very hard.... don't get my wrong especially some days at work because it seems like everyone that works in the nursing homes is either talking about their babies or has them there or are pregnant...and I want that so badly.

A special thanks to all the other blogger's out there who are willing to share their stories and help people like me understand that the things we think and feel is not just us and that it is ok to feel like that. It is also so wonderful and I know that God has timing in it but it always seems like the really hard days, the days I just want to crawl in a tunnel and never come out I can just flip through my list of inspirational blogs and find someone that has written something to help me remember what God is doing and to keep hanging in there and just trust in him. I am so thankful to all of you out there...I can't say thanks enough...Its something that some people will never be able to experience and we have to remember that God has chosen us for a very special reason and we get to experience something that others can't...they can't feel the love of others around the world that don't even know. Its an amazing feeling.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Vision Update and Post Sugery Update

Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I've been having problems with my vision again. On Friday last week I realized that I was losing my peripheral vision again. The first time I lost my vision was in Jan. 3 days after my birthday. At that time they had no reason for my vision lose but it slowly came back and finally in Sept they let me get new glasses to see if it would help with the vision going in and out. It worked for 2 wonderful months. It keeps going in and out and is better at times. Which is why the eye doctor thinks that there is something restricting the blood flow to the eyes and when there is a lack of blood flow my vision fades out. I have had 2 doctors look at my eye and there is nothing physically wrong with my eyes besides having to wear glasses to correct my vision. Which has lead 2 doctors to believe that there is something happening with the brain. It could be the lack of blood flow or the brain is not correctly in taking what the eye is seeing. See the eye sees the images but the brain is the one that interprets the images so if the eye is seeing everything ok then there is something wrong in the brain. I was such a strong hearted person when I let the eye doctor not crying considering all of what they told me and I though I could do it. I had to go back to work and see some more pts. When I walked in the door an asked one of the tech to get me somebody one of the PTs asked me if I was ok because I didn't realize until then that I was so scared inside that I was noticeable shaking really bad. I told her no but that I would be ok. I started to tear up but I walked back over to my room and held my tears back and told myself that I was going to be ok. Then about 15 minutes later another person asked it I was ok..I said I'm going to be fine. Then I had to head to tell my boss that I wouldn't be able to cover both building because I was going to be out Friday morning because I was going to be having a CAT scan. Then she asked why and all of a sudden I couldn't hold it in any longer the tears came pouring out. I then walked out of her office and finished my day trying so hard to hold it all in but it was so hard because my vision was getting worse and I could hardly see the floor to see where I was walking. Don't ask how I made it from the eye doctor to work because I have do clue but I made it safe.

I had to have Jacob come and get me from work when I was done for the day because I couldn't see anything at all. My vision has been off and on since. I had my CAT scan on Friday and have not heard anything back yet but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that if there was a mass or tumor that they are cancer free.

On Wednesday I had my 4 week post surgery appointment. However besides my vision problems I have also been having issue with bleeding for the last 2 weeks. So at my appointment he said that everything post surgery wise was looking good and that he didn't think that he needed me to do an ultrasound every couple of months to check on cyst. He told me I know what the pain is and that if it comes back just to let them know and they will check it out. But if we cont with fertility treatments we will be having a lot of them anyways. As for the bleeding issue he said no more BCP because they have failed to work over the last couple of years. We are heading back to hormone therapy so hopefully it will start working soon to get this to stop. We did laps just to make sure my iron is staying up and were doing ok so far but we are getting to the pushing the limits. So hormone therapy here we go......

I'm going to be doing my RE labs soon....So I'll let you know if they come back good because then we will be ok to start treatments again. However me and Jacob have so classes were going to in Jan. all month long so we won't be able to start treatment until Feb but at least we will know how close were getting to be able to at least start.

Monday, November 8, 2010

I'm so confused

I have been pray very hard over the last couple of weeks about 2 very important thing to me and I'm so lost. I feel like God is telling me to go both ways and then the next day I feel like he is telling me to go another way. I just wish he could paint a clear picture but I know I just need to listen harder. I would like to ask people to pray that he shows us which way to go.

So I'm going to start something new.......I decided I needed to find something to give me hope......So here we go

There are many stories of women in the Bible who struggle with infertility and the pain of not having children. The Bible not only shares the stories of these "barren women" but also offers hope and comfort during these times. God indeed is the creator of life and the God of comfort and peace. But more important than finding out about the stories of these women is the possibility of finding our own hope in this journey.  I hope this can be encouraging in whatever stage of your journey you are at since we are not all at the same part of our journeys.

The Wife of Abraham
Summary: Sarah is married to Abraham. Athough married for many year she is unable to conceive. Ironically she is married to Abraham who has been promised descendants that will number like the stars in the sky and the sand on a beach. A great promise and yet for Abraham and Sarah, the fulfilment seems beyond all reach. It is at this point that the Lord comes to Abraham once more.

"Then the LORD said, I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son. Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. (11)Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. (12) So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure? (13) Then the LORD said to Abraham, Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' (14) Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son. And the result??? Not long after this Sarah and Abraham's son Isaac is born, one of the great patriarchs of the Jewish people.

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

So what does the story of Sarah teach us?
God is faithful to his promises. What he promised to Abraham and Sarah he was faithful in fulfilling. God does not make this exact same promise to each of us but we do learn something else from Sarah's story: God is the giver of life and he can bring about miracles. We do not know what God may be doing in our lives - even when it seems like he is not doing anything at all. God can surprise us!

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I have been reading a lot of other blog for inspiration and for support. I have learn so much from others and it makes you feel like your not alone. You also learn from others who have or are going through the same thing. One thing I have noticed tho is that not many people talk about the money part of it. I don't know if its because they don't have a problem in that area or if they prefer not to talk about it. It is a huge part of infertility because treatments are not cheap and there are a lot of medical bills that come along with it. Most RE clinics require you to pay up front. Most of them work with you and help you get loans but it still get spendy fast. I know that when we start treatments hopefully come Jan. that money is going to be a factor in the treatments. Its just something that I've really been thinking about and really have no idea about what to do. I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes and just keep my fingers crossed that we can start treatments in Jan. again.

Today is also Orphan Sunday so please pray that all the children out there can find wonderful homes.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Educating people about infertility sensitivity?

I've been reading other blogs and I've been wondering about a kind way of educating people about infertility sensitivity. Anyone got any good ideas?

Its not just people on the street that you meet, family, friend or co-workers but it doctors and nurses too. When I go to the doctors office and there is a fill-in nurse or a new nurse I try to prepare myself for the question. When they start going over the meds and see that you are taking a prenatal vitamin they always ask are you pregnant and I always have to say no. But I want to say you know how much I would like to hit you up side the head. I would love to be pregnant. I've been trying for almost a year and a half and I spend every bit of my money trying. I wish people out there would just not jump to conclusion or take into consideration that not everyone can get pregnant like nothing.

They are other people who ask all the time.  People say its ur turn to have a baby or when are you going to have a baby or wheres my grandchild. I wish people would just understand how hard it is everyday as it is now without those questions.

I have learned a lot through this journey so far and have grown much closer to god but sometimes I don't understand things he does either. Since this journey I have found this wonderful church to go to with wonderful people. I have had a lot of support grow from this but I sometimes don't understand why god led me to working with the little ones. Shortly after we started going to church there I got asked several times if I could help out in the nursery which I was willing to do a time or 2 but it has become an every Sunday thing. When I said yes I new there had to be a reason why god would send them to ask me out of all these people in the church. So I said yes for that reason because I knew that god had a reason for it but it is so hard see all these other peoples children some who are not cared for like they should be. I wounder why god would make me go through this every Sunday but I know he has a bigger picture out there and theres a reasoning but I just can't seem to find it.
A couple of months ago I got talked into being a leader in the Awana group on Thursday nights. I just kept telling myself when they asked that god has a reason, he sent them to ask me for a reason but every Thursday I go and for some reason I just don't understand. I know I do a good job with kids but it is so hard to watch some of these kids who just don't have good homes. Granted some of the kids have wonderful parents and wonderful homes.
Its just so hard for people who go through infertility to be around these things and hear these things. I know I got off topic...it is so me to do that...but how do you nicely tell all these different kinds of people that I would really appreciated if you would not ask me that anymore.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Doctor Visit from Wednesday

We went to the doctor on Wednesday. He said that things were looking good from the outside but they won’t look at the inside until my appointment. He went over what he did during the surgery and we got to see pictures. The left ovary was 10cm around which is the size of a normal uterus. He cut it opened and removed the endometrium. He is hoping that once it heals that it will be a functional ovary. When we went I was in my work clothes and half way through the appointment he looked at me and said you haven’t started working yet have you. (He knows what I do and he know the type of person I am) I wanted to say no, which would have been a lie. I told him yes but I was sitting in a chair for a couple hours a day while the techs bought me pts and set them up. He said that was ok and just be careful not to overdo it. I think he know me to well. After my appointment I went back to work for a meeting and then off to home.
Recovery is not going as fast as I hoped. After I can home for work I sat up for awhile. Which I should have not done since it had already been a long day. When it got close to supper time I started hurting pretty bad. I sent my husband to the store to get me some different meds to see if that would help. It didn’t get any better and just kept getting worse. I was up almost all night long because of the pain. So I decided I better stay home for once and listen to the doctor and my body. I think my body was telling me to lay off and not do so much. I wasn’t able to eat or drink anything last night without getting sick. I was finally able to fall asleep about midnight and actually slept all night. I was still hurting pretty bad this morning and decided I better take it easy again today. So I stayed home again. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to work every day next week since I have no PTO time left.
My next appointment is 3 weeks out, so I will update after that.
I am hoping by my next appointment I will be doing good and able to eat good so he will release me to start my normal stuff back up. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to start exercising again because I miss it and that way I can get back to my losing weight goal so we can start treatments again hopefully by the beginning of January.